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Anxiety is REAL

Anxiety is one of the most overused terms on social media. Everywhere I look I see people saying that things are giving them anxiety and the truth is that these same people probably have never had a panic attack a moment in their life. For those of us that have panic attacks on a daily basis, it can be quite frustrating to even get out of bed some days. We know that once we put our feet on the ground that anything, yes, absolutely anything can trigger it.

I’ve had anxiety since I can remember. I was about five years old when my Kindergarten teacher pointed out that I had severe anxiety, anytime anything changed out of my day, I got severely anxious and sick with worry. I ended up throwing up and at times I would pass out. When I was a child, no one really took it that seriously, I would get so anxious anytime my grandma would leave me and my mom would just say that it was something that I got from my grandma, the worrying for no apparent reason. It really just pissed her off.

Now, that I’m an adult, I have to say that I probably have bigger temper tantrums than my children. When things don’t go as planned or something negative is affecting me in a bad way and I can’t calm down or gain a moment to process it, I throw a fit. I’m not kidding, now I don’t do this in front of my kids, but I either go out to the car or the bathroom and just cry it out and talk to myself about it. See, I’m an empath so everyone around me brings to me their feelings and I pull their feelings into my own and it makes me who I am. I tend to care too deeply for others in pain and that makes me anxious. Then top it off with the stress of adult life, sometimes it leads to an anxiety attack.

What does an attack feel like? Well, it feels like someone has their hands around my neck and I keep trying to breathe and I can’t. It’s like I’m grasping for calmness in this chaotic world and I can never reach it. I just want quiet, silence, no noise, not even the sound of the wind. I want space, but I don’t want to be abandoned. It’s an overflow of fear and panic, and sometimes I don’t even know what causes it. I will be happy one moment and get this sick twisted feeling in the pit of my stomach like something just awful happened to me and I don’t know what it is.

I’m a crunchy mom and don’t believe in medication, I’ve tried CBD oil and sometimes it helps. EO’s and meditation can help me. My point of this post is that there are people out there that think they have anxiety because their brand new acrylic just fell off their finger when in reality they have no idea how it feels to be in the sheer panic over absolutely nothing and everything at the same time.

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This isn’t a sad post…so don’t read it that way

I think that I have always been broken. It’s just become a natural part of me. Something I am so used to feeling that I barely even notice it anymore. I’m not sad and I’m not depressed, but I can finally admit that I’m only unbreakable now because I was shattered to pieces a long time ago.

It wasn’t a man that broke my heart. It wasn’t a man that broke my soul. It was my own mother. I haven’t ever been able to admit that her emotionally abusive ways have actually hurt me. I just bottle it up inside one piece at a time and won’t allow anyone in this world to hurt me again.

She used to remind me how she wanted to abort me and decide to keep me like it was some kind of difficult decision to keep your own child. When we would get into it she would tell me that she should have aborted me and as I got older she would tell me to go kill myself. She’d tell me that no one would even remember it and just do it already. That’s just some of her hateful ways.

I see all these posts about being in a relationship with a narcissist, well I grew up with one being my mother.

When a person gets too close, I push them away. When a person says they love me, I don’t believe them. When someone says that they care…they are just words to me. I think that’s why it’s so easy for me to give so much to others and not to expect anything in return. I don’t mean that no one has ever loved me, this isn’t a pity me post. It’s just something I need to type. I’ve been thinking too much. My kids love me so much and I am so thankful to be able to love them as they should be loved. My grandma cares about me and she has always loved me.

 

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Open Your Eyes

Negativity surrounds humanity as if it’s the air we breathe. It dampens our hearts and brings fear into our souls. Negativity can make us numb and it can paralyze us. When we realize that we are the ones who bring negative energy into our own little positive world we will only then defeat and rise above.

For those of you who personally know me, you know that I don’t believe the same ways as everyone else. My mind is like an open book willing to take new information in, but one thing will always be for sure, I believe what I believe and some things you won’t be able to change my mind on.

I believe that we are in control of our own destiny, that every single thing on this Earth has a place. I believe in or nature and that nature heals all. I believe in so many things that a blog post is not enough to get you to open your eyes to all the beautiful and wonderful things in this world.

In order to see things from a different perspective, we must stop judging others for their choices. We must stop judging others for the way they see things and maybe open up to their points of views. After all, there’s an entire universe that is unknowing out there.

To say one type of perspective is wrong would be to say that you 100% know for sure what there is after this life. None of us know what is after this life, we only know what we believe in and have faith in. We only know what we were raised to know or what we taught ourselves.

To conclude this post, let’s get involved in the world around us. Study new and wonderful things. You don’t have to believe in it, just see the possibilities with how things work. Kind of like opening up a computer and figuring out what makes it run.

-queenofhartsxoxo

 

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I am the Omega woman

People, who know me know that I love werewolves and vampires, so why not use the terminology to describe myself? Omega actually does not come from the lonesome wolf that we all know. It comes from the Greek word meaning a person who has been or feels rejected by society. Being rejected by society is not always a bad thing and here’s a post on how I am the Omega woman.

Not many people can actually really say they associate with me. They don’t know my thoughts or what is going on in my day to day life. Heck, they don’t even stop to say hi to me when they do see me. I know some people just add me on Facebook to be nosey but there is nothing to find there. I post about my kids and crunchy things. Maybe a humorous post here and there, but nothing really that come from my mind and heart.

 

I keep to myself. I have not always been this way. I actually started out posting all my cry baby business on Facebook because being a crybaby was my life and I am the first to admit this. I was so down on myself and had no shame in letting the entire world know how I really felt about my relationship. I’m actually ashamed of this.

I spend 99% of my time with my kids and doing mom things. Most of my friends don’t do this. If there’s an event at the school, you bet I’m there in each and every one of my kid’s classes. If my kid needs help with homework, I’m there to help him through it and to teach him what he doesn’t know. If the splash pad is open, you bet I’ll be going to that once a week or multiple times just to spend time with my kids. There’s a new superhero movie out, I’ll be there to see it with my boys.

I don’t allow others to tell me how to parent my kids. Like those people who ask why I’m so picky about the chemicals coming in my household or who get sick of hearing me talk about organic this or organic that. Hey, if you’re sick of it, there’s a door and please don’t talk about your bad chemical filled household, I don’t judge you, please don’t judge me.

I’m an open book. You have a question? I’ll answer it.

I push people away and I really can’t help it. I’ve had a ton of those people that were here one day to get their entertainment on and gone the next. I’m used to it. Please don’t let that door hit you on the way out because I’m not here to entertain you.

My loyalty game is strong. I’m loyal to my kids first and above all, my husband comes in a close second and friends/family are last. If they don’t like you, chances are I don’t like you.

I don’t fit it. I don’t go clubbing, I don’t care if you like my car or my house or the way I dress. I don’t care if you like that I breastfeed, cloth diaper, or the way I walk. This is me, you either like it or take a hike.

I am there for people even when they aren’t for me.

Conclusion

I am an Omega because I choose to be different. I don’t really go around saying I’m an Omega woman, but this is the term that can describe how I am. I don’t care what others think or how they feel anymore. I will not respond to the pettiness of others.

-queenofhartsxoxo

 

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Time4Learning Review

I usually don’t do too many reviews on my blog but I have been trying to find an alternative method for my kids to use while studying for school. I have one child, in particular, that is a bit behind in his education and I had to look at various websites to see what homeschool/after school options were best for his needs.

What is Time4Learning?

Time4Learning is a website that you can enroll your children in for either after school study, homework or just to have a little extra education.

Costs

Since they offer multiple pricing options and sometimes a discount I won’t go into details about costs. However, you are more than welcome to check out their website at Time4Learning.com for more information about prices.

My Experience 

As a parent, I had a hard time finding a platform that would live up to my standards. I want my kids to learn a lot and have fun doing it. I like to also be in control over what my child is learning and Time4Learning allowed me to do just that. With their platform, I was able to assign certain assignments to my son and we also have a nice paper trail of what he has done.

I like the fact that we can keep grades and have a record of everything in case I do decide to homeschool him some time.

My Recommendation

I would 100% recommend a parent to use Time4Learning for homeschool or after school extra education reasons.

I was compensated for this, but this is a true review of my own thoughts and Time4Learning did not tell me what to write.

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No Mother of Mine

Mothers Day, what a wonderful day to celebrate your mother and be celebrated as a mother. However, I will not be celebrating my own mother because she is No Mother of Mine. 

Previously my blog had a ton of posts telling you exactly how I feel about my own mother. Let me take one step back and explain to you that I don’t call her mom. I call her by her first name because to me she isn’t a mother at all. Now, before you start judging me about how I should not treat my mother in such a way, let me tell you a bit about her.

It started off before I was born. She didn’t even want me. She looked into abortions and for some strange reason she backed out. Now, I am thankful for that of course, but she didn’t do it because she had a kind heart. Who knows why she made that choice. She pawned me off on my great grandma’s and she did some pretty awful things when I was a baby. Like put me out in the snow, keep me from my biological father and tell him I wasn’t his, the list can go on forever. When I was a teenager she would tell me I was fat. I really thought I was fat, I wore a jacket every day to cover up my rolls, I was size 7 jeans and 130 pounds, 5′ 6″. I was NOT fat. As I said the list can go on forever.

I’m not mad about the way she used to treat me. It’s how she treats my kids. She has nothing to do with the youngest five. She became very obsessive over my oldest son and she does the same thing to my sisters’ kids except she has a bit more to do with her second son. It got to the point that I had to tell her if she didn’t leave him alone we would get a restraining order. She’s seen my 2nd, 3rd, and 4th son only one time. My last two kids, she hasn’t seen at all. The last time we even spoke to each other was three years ago and it’s because I was stopping to see my grandma. My 2nd son was in the back of the car and my grandma brought up my 4th son’s hair and how curly and poofy it was… and my mom was like “Adam has straight hair” and smiled all big, not even acknowledging my son in the backseat. I said “Tyler has straight hair too” and pointed at him… and she just looked him up and down like she didn’t even care. This argument escalated because I confronted her about coming to the kids birthdays. She never comes to see them and she told me that she has a life and doesn’t have time to come and see my kids. She then told me she doesn’t care about me and walked off.

So, nope I didn’t have a mother to say Happy Mothers Day to..I had a grandmother to say it too. A woman who raised me. A woman who taught me to be a great mom and a woman I look up to. I’m glad she’s here for me still and that she loves all of my babies equally.

Happy Mothers Day to all of you moms! Please share what your kids got you! Mine got me some amazing handmade cards from school and chocolates!

-queenofhartsxoxo

 

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Look at the Box!

Food is just wonderful. I love food, it’s just so great to get a tasty meal and get your tummy full. What you don’t know is that 90% of what we call food, really isn’t food at all. If you go to my Facebook page you will see just what I’m talking about. A man finally looked at the box of cereal his kids were eating and discovered it had Trisodium Phosphate in it.

What is Trisodium Phosphate?

Glad you asked! It’s paint thinner. Yes, you read that right. Our kids’ cereal has paint thinner in it. You can read more about it on Online Holistic Health.

Side Effects

Quoted Directly from Livestrong:

 If you consume large quantities of trisodium phosphate in its crystallized form, you are likely to experience abdominal pain and a burning sensation in the digestive tract. Large doses may cause chemical shock or collapse, according to the International Programme on Chemical Safety. As a dry powder, trisodium phosphate has a corrosive effect on your skin, eyes and respiratory system. If you work with chemicals, avoid smoking or eating on the job before washing your hands.

You can read more here.

Thoughts

Read the Box! Yes, it takes more time in the store but stop and read everything on the back of package and boxes. You will be completely surprised at what you discover. Get to know your foods!

I have been on a clean eating adventure since the start of 2017. It has been really difficult for me. Because everything has chemicals and awful things in them. You basically have to eat fresh. But, paint thinner in food that is marketed to children? That is beyond disbelief. Please take a moment and educate yourselves before allowing little tummies to eat these awful foods.

-Queenofhartsxoxo