I think that I have always been broken. It’s just become a natural part of me. Something I am so used to feeling that I barely even notice it anymore. I’m not sad and I’m not depressed, but I can finally admit that I’m only unbreakable now because I was shattered to pieces a long time ago.
It wasn’t a man that broke my heart. It wasn’t a man that broke my soul. It was my own mother. I haven’t ever been able to admit that her emotionally abusive ways have actually hurt me. I just bottle it up inside one piece at a time and won’t allow anyone in this world to hurt me again.
She used to remind me how she wanted to abort me and decide to keep me like it was some kind of difficult decision to keep your own child. When we would get into it she would tell me that she should have aborted me and as I got older she would tell me to go kill myself. She’d tell me that no one would even remember it and just do it already. That’s just some of her hateful ways.
I see all these posts about being in a relationship with a narcissist, well I grew up with one being my mother.
When a person gets too close, I push them away. When a person says they love me, I don’t believe them. When someone says that they care…they are just words to me. I think that’s why it’s so easy for me to give so much to others and not to expect anything in return. I don’t mean that no one has ever loved me, this isn’t a pity me post. It’s just something I need to type. I’ve been thinking too much. My kids love me so much and I am so thankful to be able to love them as they should be loved. My grandma cares about me and she has always loved me.