Posted in Random Thoughts

SMH Moment Number One

Imagine this, you did all of your Algebra homework and you were so proud of yourself. Then bam, your instructor posts at the last minute that you did great work except for the fact that you did the wrong problem.

So, you are like “okay, I got this” and you redo the equation. But then you later realize that you have to do it all over again because you use the quadratic formula instead of factoring like the homework says to do!

That’s me right now. That’s the situation I am in, currently and I am dreading to have to do another math problem for the third time. I am currently shaking my head a thousand times at myself. Wish me luck!

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Posted in Random Thoughts

The Battle

 

 

Life is constantly moving in all different directions. It sometimes goes so fast that I feel like I can’t catch up with anything. The days just go by and I still haven’t gotten everything in my life completed by the end of the day. It really leaves me feeling defeated and hopeless. I’ve been feeling this way for way too long. It’s time to get control, keep control, and satisfy the necessities I have in life.

The last thing I want to do is make my blog feel as though I am writing it for media purposes or being paid to write something, so all of my work is authentic and my actual feelings. It’s Veronica in the flesh.

The battle is usually only half the struggle, for me though, it seems to be like the whole damn thing. It’s hard to get up in the morning knowing that I have absolutely zilch control over my life right now. For me, it’s pinpointing when I lost control and how to get it back. You may be wondering, what control am I referring to? Let me elaborate….I feel that I’ve lost control over my body, my mind, my house, and financial freedom.

In the months of empowering other women to do the best they can in life, I’ve lost my own empowerment and that’s not a fun thing to go through. I’ve lost my positive outlook on life and I guess everyone goes through these times. Let’s start with my struggles:

Parenting

As a parent, it is super difficult admitting that you’re not doing something right. Here I am, full disclosure, I’m not doing something right.  I read a post the other day that said blaming your children for your dirty house is a terrible excuse and you should be able to clean it regardless of having kids. The thing about that is, when you have so many kids (we have six) and they are super young in age, the house is going to get messy and keeping it clean is going to be difficult. Both my husband and I can clean all day long and our children will literally follow behind us and destroy what we have done. If I want a spotless house I won’t be able to do anything but clean it, 24/7. My older 4 children seem to not understand what neatness is. They will pretend to pick up the house and their messes, then sit right back in front of whatever electronic that has their minds intrigued. It’s time I put a stop to that.

Financial Freedoms

Financial struggles happen to all of us and I’ve been the person that received a $500 utilities bill and didn’t know how the hell I would pay it. I used to have to run around our small town and try to get help from businesses when that would happen. That’s not what I’m talking about here. We’re not necessarily struggling financially, which I am thankful for. It’s the lack of extra money. We want things and we can’t always buy what we want. I see so many people who decide they don’t want to cook that night and they run out and buy these big ass meals and they always have extra money. Somewhere along the line, I messed up and didn’t budget very well and now I have to fix it before we can have any extra income. I want to make a promise to myself that I will somehow rise above this and get back on track so that we can save money and spend money. (Before anyone comments anything assholeish we have six kids but we don’t get food stamps, so yea there’s not that extra money).

Body Image

Carrying a baby in you is such a beautiful experience and it was amazing to feel those little flutters and kicks…. and then giving birth is such a spiritual awakening. Now lets times this by six and now I have a body that I don’t love. Prior to getting pregnant with our last son, I was working on being healthy and eating right, exercising. I would exercise multiple times a day for up to 2 hours a day sometimes. I would do it on my breaks (because I work from home), before bed, after I woke up, any time I thought I needed to exercise. No, I wasn’t skinny and I was obsessed with trying to lose weight, which was not healthy at all. Now, I’m like two in a half years after giving birth to our last son and I am ashamed of how I look. I cry over it. I have to gain control and I need to exercise and diet the proper way. I’ve stopped drinking Dr. Pepper, and I have tried Keto, Paleo, and Whole 30, some things just don’t work for me very well. Now, I am attempting to up my water intake, drink water in the morning, lower my caffeine intake.

These are just some of the struggles I’ve been facing in 2018. If you’re anything like me you tend to want things to happen right now and you’re super impatient. I have a support group for health on Facebook, it’s called Health Crunch and I will share it to my Facebook page!

Posted in Random Thoughts

The Queen Vee is here

Sorry I haven’t posted in quite some time. Someone is gaining my attention by reviewing my FB page every day to see if maybe there is an update. Maybe I will talk about them. Here it is. Here is your post. Just for you. Even though I have no clue who you are, thanks for visiting my blog it means a lot.

I haven’t posted in some time at this point. I have gotten busy with my life and I had such a crazy shift for awhile, all my doing of course, that it literally just broke me. I struggled with the last few months until I found out that I was switching back to days. For those that work nights, I commend you. You are one brave soul.

I felt a bit lost in the world. I felt as though it was spinning out of control. I was trying to be a super mom and do absolutely everything without having to take off work to spend time at my children’s events, that did not work out and that is not the plan going forward…..

There has been a lot going on in my life that I could talk about from my oldest son being removed from school the last week and homeschooled to him being bullied. Maybe I should start updating more. I’m not sure who would be reading it. I was never a hit when it came to blogging.

Posted in Random Thoughts

Anxiety is REAL

Anxiety is one of the most overused terms on social media. Everywhere I look I see people saying that things are giving them anxiety and the truth is that these same people probably have never had a panic attack a moment in their life. For those of us that have panic attacks on a daily basis, it can be quite frustrating to even get out of bed some days. We know that once we put our feet on the ground that anything, yes, absolutely anything can trigger it.

I’ve had anxiety since I can remember. I was about five years old when my Kindergarten teacher pointed out that I had severe anxiety, anytime anything changed out of my day, I got severely anxious and sick with worry. I ended up throwing up and at times I would pass out. When I was a child, no one really took it that seriously, I would get so anxious anytime my grandma would leave me and my mom would just say that it was something that I got from my grandma, the worrying for no apparent reason. It really just pissed her off.

Now, that I’m an adult, I have to say that I probably have bigger temper tantrums than my children. When things don’t go as planned or something negative is affecting me in a bad way and I can’t calm down or gain a moment to process it, I throw a fit. I’m not kidding, now I don’t do this in front of my kids, but I either go out to the car or the bathroom and just cry it out and talk to myself about it. See, I’m an empath so everyone around me brings to me their feelings and I pull their feelings into my own and it makes me who I am. I tend to care too deeply for others in pain and that makes me anxious. Then top it off with the stress of adult life, sometimes it leads to an anxiety attack.

What does an attack feel like? Well, it feels like someone has their hands around my neck and I keep trying to breathe and I can’t. It’s like I’m grasping for calmness in this chaotic world and I can never reach it. I just want quiet, silence, no noise, not even the sound of the wind. I want space, but I don’t want to be abandoned. It’s an overflow of fear and panic, and sometimes I don’t even know what causes it. I will be happy one moment and get this sick twisted feeling in the pit of my stomach like something just awful happened to me and I don’t know what it is.

I’m a crunchy mom and don’t believe in medication, I’ve tried CBD oil and sometimes it helps. EO’s and meditation can help me. My point of this post is that there are people out there that think they have anxiety because their brand new acrylic just fell off their finger when in reality they have no idea how it feels to be in the sheer panic over absolutely nothing and everything at the same time.

Posted in Random Thoughts

This isn’t a sad post…so don’t read it that way

I think that I have always been broken. It’s just become a natural part of me. Something I am so used to feeling that I barely even notice it anymore. I’m not sad and I’m not depressed, but I can finally admit that I’m only unbreakable now because I was shattered to pieces a long time ago.

It wasn’t a man that broke my heart. It wasn’t a man that broke my soul. It was my own mother. I haven’t ever been able to admit that her emotionally abusive ways have actually hurt me. I just bottle it up inside one piece at a time and won’t allow anyone in this world to hurt me again.

She used to remind me how she wanted to abort me and decide to keep me like it was some kind of difficult decision to keep your own child. When we would get into it she would tell me that she should have aborted me and as I got older she would tell me to go kill myself. She’d tell me that no one would even remember it and just do it already. That’s just some of her hateful ways.

I see all these posts about being in a relationship with a narcissist, well I grew up with one being my mother.

When a person gets too close, I push them away. When a person says they love me, I don’t believe them. When someone says that they care…they are just words to me. I think that’s why it’s so easy for me to give so much to others and not to expect anything in return. I don’t mean that no one has ever loved me, this isn’t a pity me post. It’s just something I need to type. I’ve been thinking too much. My kids love me so much and I am so thankful to be able to love them as they should be loved. My grandma cares about me and she has always loved me.

 

Posted in Random Thoughts

I am the Omega woman

People, who know me know that I love werewolves and vampires, so why not use the terminology to describe myself? Omega actually does not come from the lonesome wolf that we all know. It comes from the Greek word meaning a person who has been or feels rejected by society. Being rejected by society is not always a bad thing and here’s a post on how I am the Omega woman.

Not many people can actually really say they associate with me. They don’t know my thoughts or what is going on in my day to day life. Heck, they don’t even stop to say hi to me when they do see me. I know some people just add me on Facebook to be nosey but there is nothing to find there. I post about my kids and crunchy things. Maybe a humorous post here and there, but nothing really that come from my mind and heart.

 

I keep to myself. I have not always been this way. I actually started out posting all my cry baby business on Facebook because being a crybaby was my life and I am the first to admit this. I was so down on myself and had no shame in letting the entire world know how I really felt about my relationship. I’m actually ashamed of this.

I spend 99% of my time with my kids and doing mom things. Most of my friends don’t do this. If there’s an event at the school, you bet I’m there in each and every one of my kid’s classes. If my kid needs help with homework, I’m there to help him through it and to teach him what he doesn’t know. If the splash pad is open, you bet I’ll be going to that once a week or multiple times just to spend time with my kids. There’s a new superhero movie out, I’ll be there to see it with my boys.

I don’t allow others to tell me how to parent my kids. Like those people who ask why I’m so picky about the chemicals coming in my household or who get sick of hearing me talk about organic this or organic that. Hey, if you’re sick of it, there’s a door and please don’t talk about your bad chemical filled household, I don’t judge you, please don’t judge me.

I’m an open book. You have a question? I’ll answer it.

I push people away and I really can’t help it. I’ve had a ton of those people that were here one day to get their entertainment on and gone the next. I’m used to it. Please don’t let that door hit you on the way out because I’m not here to entertain you.

My loyalty game is strong. I’m loyal to my kids first and above all, my husband comes in a close second and friends/family are last. If they don’t like you, chances are I don’t like you.

I don’t fit it. I don’t go clubbing, I don’t care if you like my car or my house or the way I dress. I don’t care if you like that I breastfeed, cloth diaper, or the way I walk. This is me, you either like it or take a hike.

I am there for people even when they aren’t for me.

Conclusion

I am an Omega because I choose to be different. I don’t really go around saying I’m an Omega woman, but this is the term that can describe how I am. I don’t care what others think or how they feel anymore. I will not respond to the pettiness of others.

-queenofhartsxoxo

 

Posted in Random Thoughts

No Mother of Mine

Mothers Day, what a wonderful day to celebrate your mother and be celebrated as a mother. However, I will not be celebrating my own mother because she is No Mother of Mine. 

Previously my blog had a ton of posts telling you exactly how I feel about my own mother. Let me take one step back and explain to you that I don’t call her mom. I call her by her first name because to me she isn’t a mother at all. Now, before you start judging me about how I should not treat my mother in such a way, let me tell you a bit about her.

It started off before I was born. She didn’t even want me. She looked into abortions and for some strange reason she backed out. Now, I am thankful for that of course, but she didn’t do it because she had a kind heart. Who knows why she made that choice. She pawned me off on my great grandma’s and she did some pretty awful things when I was a baby. Like put me out in the snow, keep me from my biological father and tell him I wasn’t his, the list can go on forever. When I was a teenager she would tell me I was fat. I really thought I was fat, I wore a jacket every day to cover up my rolls, I was size 7 jeans and 130 pounds, 5′ 6″. I was NOT fat. As I said the list can go on forever.

I’m not mad about the way she used to treat me. It’s how she treats my kids. She has nothing to do with the youngest five. She became very obsessive over my oldest son and she does the same thing to my sisters’ kids except she has a bit more to do with her second son. It got to the point that I had to tell her if she didn’t leave him alone we would get a restraining order. She’s seen my 2nd, 3rd, and 4th son only one time. My last two kids, she hasn’t seen at all. The last time we even spoke to each other was three years ago and it’s because I was stopping to see my grandma. My 2nd son was in the back of the car and my grandma brought up my 4th son’s hair and how curly and poofy it was… and my mom was like “Adam has straight hair” and smiled all big, not even acknowledging my son in the backseat. I said “Tyler has straight hair too” and pointed at him… and she just looked him up and down like she didn’t even care. This argument escalated because I confronted her about coming to the kids birthdays. She never comes to see them and she told me that she has a life and doesn’t have time to come and see my kids. She then told me she doesn’t care about me and walked off.

So, nope I didn’t have a mother to say Happy Mothers Day to..I had a grandmother to say it too. A woman who raised me. A woman who taught me to be a great mom and a woman I look up to. I’m glad she’s here for me still and that she loves all of my babies equally.

Happy Mothers Day to all of you moms! Please share what your kids got you! Mine got me some amazing handmade cards from school and chocolates!

-queenofhartsxoxo